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Hey everyone, I hope you had a good thanksgiving, those of you that celebrate, and a good week to those that don't. Bigger blog post up within the next day or two to explain why I have been a ghost on here recently.
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 One old friend and his girlfrend have miscarried their kid. I've managed to talk another friend out of seriously self harming herself. Another pair of friends have broken up and I've an exam and a piece of coursework to do for tomorrow. Well, later today.

All this within two hours of each other. I'm just going to sit and cry at my keyboard a little.

Poor, poor people. Days like this, I'm so sick of the adult world and the adult pain. 
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 Why are there maintenance men in my dorm at 1 in the morning? While I'm the only one here? D:

EDIT: I'm looking through photos of me on my computer and in half of them I'm sticking my tongue in a girl's ear or have my leg around their waist - these aren't whore-photos, just everyday ones. WHY? And I wonder why people thought I was a lesbian in school *rolls eyes at self.*
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 I got recced! By Auronlu! For one of my videos not my fics which is a bit sad :/ oh dreaming of being recced for fic... but this is still so cool! Sorry to all the lovely and amazing fandom giants on my f-list who probably get this all the time, but I am gleeful :D

Here is the link: http://www.squidoo.com/final-fantasy-amvs-fanvids and my video is the Cloud/Zack time of dying video.

Much love to you all x
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 Christmas - the time of year where I remember how much I hate a lot of my family. I realise how much like a bitchfit that sounds, so I'll leave it at that. Also, made videos:



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 My flatmates got in at four and took two hours to get up the stairs, shouting and throwing traffic cones at each other. Two of them have thrown up and it was only stomping down the stairs I realized the only thing I was wearing was a blanket and underwear. For fuck's sake. I like sleep, guys, and the fact that you've thrown my food out of the window and pissed on it affords you no love with me at all.

/end rant post.
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 Happiness is wearing old jeans, an older t-shirt and rolling around on the floor play-fighting with a six month old black retriever puppy in an empty house. Cuddles, kisses and lots of biting. Every inch of me has been chewed, dribbled on and pounced upon.

Here is a video of, I swear, the actually puppy version of Zack *watches Amarissia's Choir* Not the proper playfighting, because you have to use two hands to do that. But some fun. No actual editing to speak of, though.

Ow, ow, ow

Sep. 8th, 2010 06:45 pm
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 So I've pulled a muscle in my back. I now limp. Fuckity, Fuckity OW. And I usually have such a high pain threshold too - back injuries always reduce me to patheticness. I bruised my tailbone once. Ow.

I cannot even put my own socks on, or bend over or go jogging or do any of the semi-physical mindless things  i like to do when a different part of the body has been damaged.

Thank you NHS  for the free Doctor's visit and even more for the free drugs which I am now on.  

What else... hmm. Oh, I move out on the 24th to go to Uni. I've been teaching myself to cook, have bought my own cookware and bedding and things. I'm going to buy a teaset soon. And maybe some more clothes. IDK. But I can now cook lasagne, shepherds pie and beef casserole. Good good. And make pancakes from scratch.

Also, this made me giggle:

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So, university. I'm in! Whatever happens I have one of my top two choices available to me - my first choice is still deciding whether or not I can get in because I dropped one grade, but my second favourite has welcomed me with open arms. So, whatever happens I'm going to university this Autumn. I get to know tomorrow whether I got into my first choice or not, but thank the stars, I'm in.

I saw a few people absolutely bawling after their results, and I feel really sorry for them. Luckily all of my people have a uni place, whether it is their first or second place.

This hasn't sunk in yet. 

Thank you all for your support though x Last RL post for a while, promise!
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 I feel like screaming, shaving my head, getting com-plete-ly pissed out of my skull, taking up smoking, taking up drugs, banging my head against the wall until I pass out.

Why? Results. The grades that I open tomorrow determine what university I go to if, indeed, I'm good enough to get into any university at all. I have had nothing except apples and coffee to eat/drink today because my anxiety tends to manifest in a physical way i.e throwing up violently in the wee hours of the morning.

I'm not going to sleep tonight, not a choice a definite fact. if anyone is going to be on for, say, the next 12 hours, do you want to I.M me? I'll be incoherently sliding into panic attacks, but it'll be fun, right? No.

I'm also upset that this means so much to me: what grades I get doesn't change the person I am. I hate how everything is weighed up and assessed, except who you are and what you feel and and.....

Okay, I've had a panic attack already today. I need no more. 

Sorry to have been spammy with RL stuff lately people; it'll go back to fandom within a week or so of tomorrow. I hope.

---

Edit: I have been listening to a Vienna Teng and Regina Spektor playlist for 5 1/2 hours. A liberal application of peach scnapps had given me about an hours sleep, althogh at various points I'm not sue if I was hallucinating or dreaming, about bbc Sherlock actually. Feel groggy but haven't been sick. Have been alternately sweating and shivering. I think my stomach is now imploding in on itself like a dying star and is attempting to take my intestines 

Peace

Aug. 7th, 2010 03:30 pm
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 I just went to a Buddhist relic showing. I wrote out sutras and got blessed by a Tibetan monk with an ancient relic. And I got an overwhelming feeling of faith and peace, neither of which I feel often. It was amazing. Just the feel of spirituality and belief and that everything will work out. I haven't felt peace for years, faith since I was a child. This was so surreal, but I feel calm. And peaceful. Buddhist relics over a thousand years old, some blessed by the Dalai Lama himself, others were teeth of ancient Buddhists and Dalai lamas. Intense. 

And the intimacy of being blessed by a monk, just. I've never really had anyone do that, but you kneel, they place an ancient relic on your head and they pray and bless in that beautiful language and they smile and you are okay. I haven't been properly okay for years. I hope this feeling lasts.
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 Hmm. *ducks masamune* 

Well a lot has been going on in the past few weeks, top of which has been work. Don't know if I have mentioned it to the masses but I dogwalk. Which is fun, in theory, because I don't like masses of people enough to work with them and I get paid a higher rate per hour than most people my age do. Of course, I only do a few hours a day so wages balance out in the end.

Currently I walk three dogs: Finn who is a gorgeous marmalade coloured gundog who is very well behaved - I walk him through one of the rougher areas but I've never had any trouble. Mainly because I have perfected the angry scowl while I walk and Finn is muscly enough to garner me some sideways looks. He's gentle though, has never actually growled. He probably wouldn't start a fight to save my life he is so friendly. *shrugs* I can scream loud enough. And I have pointy stabby keys.

The other two I've talked about; I walk them together, Macie the whippet and Angus the German Shepherd. Angus is quite aggressive, but boisterous as well so it is really hard to tell if he is playing or not. He is really strange in that he growls if I try to stroke shim, but if Macie comes near me he'll growl at her in guarding behaviour. The whippet is nice, quiet as well.

Jogging is going, not well or badly. I don't jog as much because dogwalking tires me out and i usually work four or five days a week. I'm trying to eat healthily, and it is a good job that I like munching celery. I still don't like herbal tea which smells so much better than it tastes.

I'm also trying to write my megaflare fic (got to think of a title, oh god) which thankfully heaven_monument is partnering with me on. I hate writing dialogue, really need to improve on that. I also have a dreamwidth account, but I'm not moving over there, just to post on some of the communities. 

I've been flicking through Norse legends which fascinate me: a few of the more prominent ffvii fic writers use Norse myths as a heavy influence on the ffvii pantheon. Hades phoenix, ciqui, and a few more. 

RESULTS DAY is on August 19th and I'm worried as fuck. What if I don't get the grades? I really, really want to go to uni - my life has to be meaningful even only on paper. *breathes hard* panic panic panic. 

That is all I can think of for now.

Oh, oh, no. Does anyone have some high energy bpm music they recommend? I need better workout music.
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 First thought: Oh God, those poor people, oh hell, how could I have not noticed it happening.

Second thought: You did well under pressure, wasn't even your fucking fault, if they'd actually taught that beast how to live properly.

Third thought: There is a blood splatter that reaches from your wrist, up your elbow, across your shirt, from your jaw to your hairline. It looks like when you have those paint sets for little kids with those black, stiff, brushes and you dip it into a water colour and just spray it, and oh! Not red anymore but more of a plum colour and some are turning orange.

Fourth thought: more of a whimpering shriek.

Deity, I'm shaking and shaking hard. 

My summer job is dogwalking. I walk a pair of dogs together; a whippet and a huge German Shepherd whose head comes up to the small of my back; I'm 5'7 so that is a big dog. Today the German shepherd grabbed the whippets ear and bit, when I was a few meters away in the overgrown grass field. Didn't notice until the whippet, who hadn't made a sound, ran up to me with her side streaked in blood. I swear, I think my blood turned to ice. 

Ran back to the house, whippet lolloping beside me, German shepherd following, shut the shepherd into his outside run then checked the whippet all over whilst shaking like I had been in snow in a swimsuit. 

Whippet was fine but for the ear, which wasn't too deep, just had bled a lot. Talked to the next door neighbour of the owner, rang the owners and cleaned up the whippet. Everythings fine.

Except I had to walk home streaked in blood and flecks of blood.
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 I love people who, when notified of my allergy, think it is enough to just pick the prawns out of my plate load, really I do. I'm sorry, am I pulling a face at your cooking? Oh, excuse me, just my throat closing up. Urgh.

I'm fine; I had my inhaler nearby and am drinking lots of hot tea for my throat. But really? Really? 

HOME!

Jul. 17th, 2010 05:25 pm
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 Real food! Less no drunken creeps! Less near death experiences! REAL FOOD. Internet and livejournal! REAL FOOD.

You guys - I'm back =] 

News please? 

(No alcohol =[ )
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 AHHHHHHHH - still packing. I have way too much stuff already. Does anyone have any music recommendations? I want some new music for the six hour train ride, seeing as I can't do a Zack/Angeal/Cloud moment and rise on top. I love acoustic songs, male or female. 

I love you all for recs - or if anyone has Final fantasy dialogue ripped I'd love links to that to.

I'm babbling. I'm taking a huge notebook, many pens, and many many books.

I'll probably write one more entry before I go, but in case I don't - I'll be away until July 17th and I'm not sure what time I'll be getting back so there may be no correspondence until the 18th.
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 Not crying. Not. Am completely. When walking the dog I found a baby rabbit with one of his paws broken and obviously in shock. But still breathing and fluffy. I cannot leave anything alone, so took dog home, came back with an old towel and Elfe (Yes, I named him; I'm already too attached) is dying slowly through shock in a cardboard box in a towel in the back garden. I go out to check on him every two minutes or so. We know it is too late as he isn't panicking/in shock, but goddamnit this is depressing.

He was just small and lonely and dying. *bursts into tears again* and there aren't any emergency vets here, and they probably couldn't do much but * incoherent* this is really upsetting me. If anyone has ever read Pratchet's discworld series I am Magrat. 
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 Just learnt to french braid my hair - er, in two ponytails, not quite one braid just yet. Wander around house, pleased with self. Brother says to me: "You look like one of those people from Lord of the rings.
Me: Beams happilly. Then suspiciously; "You aren't being really subtle and catty and calling me an orc are you?"
Brother: Actually... *laughter*, no. Like that pretty lady...
Me: Arwen? 
Brother: Um... the blonde one
Me: Gladriel? Eowyn?
Brother ...
me: the psycho elf queen, or the blonde who lusts after one of the main characters
Brother: Um, number two. The pretty one.
Me *beams* 

... on a different note my last exam is on Wednesday, and the day after that is the Sixth Form leaving ball. I have my dress: a teal silk thing with a latticework back. (It won't let me copy/paste full size images of it)




The help I mentioned? Hair. If any of you have pictures of half updos/ full updos from any fandom or celebrity or whatever, please post them? My hair is a few inches above my elbows and no fringe. I'm being incredibly vapid, i know, but I really want a nice hairstyle for the leavers as it will be the last time I see a lot of my friends =/. Some of them I've known for over ten years. Any way, any help would be amazing, thank you =D 
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I have figured how to set my ringtone to: Basch lives! Don't listen to Ondore's lies! Ah, this should be fun. The rest of today?

Voice: But you know how Seymour regenerates three times in ffx? Like that.
Me: Interest perked, I turn around.
Voice = cuteish young man with Lazard glasses
Me *considers walking over*
Voice - yeah but did you see Lulu's tits?
Me: Urgh. *goes back to browsing music store*

I also got locked out of the house in pouring rain. Gah.

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