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Aug. 18th, 2010 08:37 pm I feel like screaming, shaving my head, getting com-plete-ly pissed out of my skull, taking up smoking, taking up drugs, banging my head against the wall until I pass out.
Why? Results. The grades that I open tomorrow determine what university I go to if, indeed, I'm good enough to get into any university at all. I have had nothing except apples and coffee to eat/drink today because my anxiety tends to manifest in a physical way i.e throwing up violently in the wee hours of the morning.
I'm not going to sleep tonight, not a choice a definite fact. if anyone is going to be on for, say, the next 12 hours, do you want to I.M me? I'll be incoherently sliding into panic attacks, but it'll be fun, right? No.
I'm also upset that this means so much to me: what grades I get doesn't change the person I am. I hate how everything is weighed up and assessed, except who you are and what you feel and and.....
Okay, I've had a panic attack already today. I need no more.
Sorry to have been spammy with RL stuff lately people; it'll go back to fandom within a week or so of tomorrow. I hope.
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Edit: I have been listening to a Vienna Teng and Regina Spektor playlist for 5 1/2 hours. A liberal application of peach scnapps had given me about an hours sleep, althogh at various points I'm not sue if I was hallucinating or dreaming, about bbc Sherlock actually. Feel groggy but haven't been sick. Have been alternately sweating and shivering. I think my stomach is now imploding in on itself like a dying star and is attempting to take my intestines
Why? Results. The grades that I open tomorrow determine what university I go to if, indeed, I'm good enough to get into any university at all. I have had nothing except apples and coffee to eat/drink today because my anxiety tends to manifest in a physical way i.e throwing up violently in the wee hours of the morning.
I'm not going to sleep tonight, not a choice a definite fact. if anyone is going to be on for, say, the next 12 hours, do you want to I.M me? I'll be incoherently sliding into panic attacks, but it'll be fun, right? No.
I'm also upset that this means so much to me: what grades I get doesn't change the person I am. I hate how everything is weighed up and assessed, except who you are and what you feel and and.....
Okay, I've had a panic attack already today. I need no more.
Sorry to have been spammy with RL stuff lately people; it'll go back to fandom within a week or so of tomorrow. I hope.
---
Edit: I have been listening to a Vienna Teng and Regina Spektor playlist for 5 1/2 hours. A liberal application of peach scnapps had given me about an hours sleep, althogh at various points I'm not sue if I was hallucinating or dreaming, about bbc Sherlock actually. Feel groggy but haven't been sick. Have been alternately sweating and shivering. I think my stomach is now imploding in on itself like a dying star and is attempting to take my intestines
