Does anyone else think my writing is really pretentious?

 I'm looking at the pages of megaflare fic, as I'm in a rut, and thinking, fuck I'm pretentious. And my dialogue is cardboard and this reads like mulch really. What I need is a real dissertation of my writing style; I've been told by several different people that this or that is definitely 'my flavour' or 'all your style' but I don't have a handle on it. I can't tell the feel of my writing and that annoys me. Also, criticism. I want to be able to knife everything I've ever written and examine it layer by layer - almost make it into a formula - too many adverbs + less metaphors = ? 

I think I use too many semi colons. Anyone want to play rip up my work and help me get better by flaying my ego? That is to say, would anyone feel like dissecting some of my work? 

And who the hell do I think I am - that is to say? Seriously? God I'm sick of every word I write. I need a drink.

Sorry all.